MUMBAI:27th October 2008, Rahul Raj a 25 year old man from Patna,boards a city bus; armed with his country made gun ,takes control of the vehicle- injures a passenger. He said he didn’t have anything to do with the people in the bus; he wanted to kill Raj Thackeray.

"I want to kill Raj Thackeray. I have nothing against the passengers. Don’t shoot me.”

These were his words before he was silenced by bullets fired by the Police.
He was protesting against the attacks on North Indian candidates appearing for railway examination!!!!!!!!!!!!! He had to pay a heavy price for his way of ‘protest’. Can he be called a rebel? terrorist? maniac? As for the travelers in the bus, who were at his gun point -he would definitely be a terrorist.

26th November, the day whole nation froze while terrorists marched the city, gunning down people on their way. The day that told us how vulnerable our lives are. All we could do was browse the channels, not knowing which of those wagging tongues to believe. We cursed them- the terrorists, prayed for the dead and prayed that the whole nightmare would come to an end. As we ate and slept, keeping a close watch on the saga -there were many eyes that shooed away sleep, stomachs that craved for rations…minds full of peril, of being killed. Those trapped inside…… those waiting outside with hope of watching their dear ones step out of the danger…….those battling for the lives of the ones stuck inside.

This was something new… a new kind of fear. We were used to the bombs and hijacks, not of youngsters walking into public places, armed – ready to gun down anyone in sight. Kasab- the 21 year old is the new face of terrorism. None of us can forget Kasab, the daemon in him well disguised- in a tee & backpack, roaming casually with a gun. He looked all composed after gunning down lives of people whom he had ‘nothing to do with’.

Terrorism is not new to our country. While we have to fight with more Kasabs , we cant ignore the kind of Rahul Raj. Let’s call it ‘internal terrorism’. Imagine people walking into the streets- armed, to show their discontent. The lives of people in the largest democracy in the world are open to such acts of terror. We are now scared to go to malls, board a bus/train/flight, enter a 5 star restaurant. We wonder “where would the next blast be”.

While the Mumbai episode came to an end, we saw few politicians resigning in a hurry, making sly comments, laughing at the questions posed by the media. Is resigning the only option they had? Look at the politicians we have; a bunch of people with no common sense. A country ripped based on language, culture, politics & economy- is run by the most incapable of the population. Can’t expect much from the ones, who don’t even have basic education. This whole episode of terror attacks will be taken over by the opposition party as a weapon against the ruling one. As political parties wash their filth in public, the common man suffers with more acts of terror striking the nation.

The 26th Nov has sidelined the recent attacks on North Indians in the city. The anti- Marathi campaign has slowed down. Hope they remember the non-Marathis who laid their lives fighting the terrorists. Hope that the country gets stronger hands to steer the government. Hope the linguist differences come to an end. Hope another Nov 26th never happens. Let’s pray for our country and not just for the people who talk our language. Let’s pray for a day when we can walk the busy streets of our metros-Fearless..............

I have a picture of Lord Krishna and his lady love Radha in my wallet. I worship him as guruvayoorappan, Kannan, Narayanan…... The main idol in front of the Diya that we occasionally lit in our apartment is that of Guvuvayoorappan, the lord himself. Well… if the lord were to appear in front of me one fine day; I am scared- I might be a bit disappointed. Cos the Krishna as depicted in Puranas is dark and the Krishna I saw in Nitish Bharadwaj, is not. As a child, Doordarshan taught me Puranas (in addition to theory classes by my grand parents) and as per the B.R.Chopra’s Mahabharat, Krishna is tall, fair and handsome. That is how I still want Krishna to be… I hope he forgives me for me being so harsh on him… I will deal with him later (perhaps a paalpaayasam will do:)). So, the thing is I won’t be happy if I find my dear Lord, in the color of the stone itself. I want him to look like the actors who play his role in the television sops. So, it’s all about reluctance to embrace the darker tone of the skin…. It’s bowing to the feeling of superiority that the white skins possess.

I am not a white myself & I hate getting tanned and I know it’s the general feel. All of us run from the heat and cover our faces in scarf and never forgets to bathe in sunscreen lotions. We are still in search of the sunscreen wit the maximum SPF. The reason behind the panic is not just the U V rays … it’s the fear of seeing our faces all deep brown that scares us. We know that we don’t look good with a deep tan; the beaches and those sun bathes are for those models n Greek god look alkies’. It’s for the WHITES as we call them…

I cringe to recall how I felt when one of those old ladies whom I met at a wedding reception exclaimed, “Look, how dark she has become”. My college education in Pondicherry left a deep tan on my face and even my younger sister reminded me to take care of my color!!! I was quite chubby as a toddler and as I grew up I lost fat and color. I got used to talks like- “oh… how cute u were as a child”. I didn’t know how to react to such sly comments. Considering the speakers’ age and my mothers whacking skills, my response would be a polite smile.

We have this uncanny fever for anything white… anything foreign… Perceptions differ from one person to another. Fair people do not fit my definition of beautiful/handsome. But I have heard people use dark/white as the general term to describe a person. “Don’t u know that dark, tall girl/guy?”…. we categorize people as dark and white. Given a choice to opt between dark/white, we would opt for the superior version- the white.

Those creams/face packs that claim to enhance complexion never escapes my shopping kit. It’s the yearning to be classified as the superior of the race… to escape the criticisms from wagging tongues, of being tabooed as ‘dark’. Nobody likes being a dark; we don’t have the privilege to choose our complexion either. I still marvel at the flawless skin of those whites around….. n sigh at my deeply tanned arms… Am I not a racial discriminator!!!!

Am glAd- aM noT firEd!!!!!

As the red light flashed and the beep sound came off, I was relieved… I still have the job. Feel happy to know that all the pains I endured has not been a waste .Waking up at 8 in the morning (too early u know; esp as we are at the threshold of winter season!!), making a hurried lunch and breakfast, dressing up, and then finally the eventful race to reach office.
Talk about the race… it’s a painful process of having to bargain with autowallas- three different faces. A share auto from the main road near home to the circle; another one till Hi Tec signal. At least they have fixed rates. Third guy is the villain. Some of them just don’t agree to come till our office- “waapas kaali aana padega”!!!!!!!!! so they just wont come because they wont get a trip back to the main road. And I board one of those rikshas once the driver agrees to a fare of Rs.30!!!
Back to scene one….. after a slight make up session I enter the ODC and then with a pounding heart proceeds towards the door. I hear the beep sound and the red light flashing and I am relieved. To my seat and check my mails in a hurry- no dreadful mails!!! I sigh again and then start my work.
There comes- those nasty forwards. I get reminded of war times- the term “firing” is a nightmare to me these days. 30 fired from Chennai, 20 from blore… etc etc…
Well well… it’s like a tumor that is spreading across the organizations- across the industry. And I am one of those -scared of the infection...
It might just pass like a Tsunami- destructing the lives of few. But hope says that I be left unaffected. I really hope n pray that I be spared- that I have this job; one which I have started actually liking in the recent times (cos of the fear of losing:-) ).
The week just passed by, one mixed with fear and relief. Fear of being fired and the relief of finding things intact- the beep sound and the red glow!! It brings soo much of relief….

I am glad, I'm not fired!!!!!

Almost Single!!!!!!

Today is Monday, besides the hang over of a rather tedious yet memorable weekend- am back to office. It’s a lazy day here too, office lacks the usual buzz. There are few men clad in Kurthas-(its Diwali time)… many workstations empty. People sitting in groups and chatting. Me- am chatting too, on the communicator. There is no one peeping on my monitor, I can play games, listen to music….. Office is almost empty. Even if I say it’s boring, I love it this way- with no one 2 boss around. So right now I am listening to Roxette- “it must have been love… “ one of my fav songs.

The hang over of the weekend creeps in my mind… the Ramoji trip on Saturday. It was fun.. total fun after a long time… had a great time and good food too….

The highlight of the weekend was the birthday treat that Nikhil aka Pattar threw for us. Sunday evening, we set off…. Had a tough time locating the place- “our place” as it is called. Oh my…. the place was just amazing. My eyes wandered…. Candles everywhere, ‘diyas’ is the right word. Diyas lit at every nook and corner. The place was just… Err… Romantic!!!

The dim lighting gave the place such a dreamy aura. I felt truncated – I lacked the symmetry that this place demanded. It was so inappropriate to walk into such a place unaccompanied by the one who would complete the definition of the word- romance. I looked at faces around and there were quite a few who reflected my thoughts. So, those of us sighed deeply and walked in to the candle lit tables. We ate, laughed, had fun- it was a nice evening indeed. Still I had this “looking forward to the day when I would share this table with the real one” feel.

Life is actually boring when it lacks the special person in life. The one, who by my definition of love- is solely mine. The person whom I can cry to, I can laugh with, fight with, one with whom I can be my true self. Its not that I do not have anyone in my life to share my feelings- I am fortunate to have many ears where I can pour the deepest of my worries. Still I know I am not complete and the place reminded me of the sense of incompleteness. Life is just not whole without the romance factor in it.

I left the place, with the sense of single hood – a burden in my heart. Perhaps it was the place that stirred such thoughts in my mind. Yeah it was the place. So candle lit dinners and such romantic places are a strict NO NO to us singles. So what say u singles out there?????

As she got married........

She looked so serene….. was that the white sari that adorned her or that unusual glow on her face!!! Of course, it was her day- she was bidding farewell to her single hood. She was getting married….

I was overwhelmed with emotions that I couldn’t figure out- when I saw her standing in the altar, with her future husband at her side. She will be a wife in no time…. My little buddy was becoming a part of some one’s life. I know she has taken a step ahead in life’s hierarchy. And I stood in a stair- where we both once belonged, giggling nervously at the life that stretched in front of us. There; he tied that sacred thread around her neck and they were pronounced “man & wife”. All through the one and a half hour long ceremony I was thinking of us- our school days, the pranks we did, those silly fights we had, those bitter tears we shed, those hilarious jokes we shared… I know I won’t be taking a bus to Vaikom and, I won’t find her waiting for me at that house near the rice fields, in Chemmanathukara. I might hereafter meet her in a chat window and have a glimpse of her over the webcam. She would have put on a few more pounds by thenJ. Else we might meet in one of those busy malls or coffee day or Barista- somewhere in the Mumbai. Yeah, she is going to be a part of the Amchi Mumbai crowd!!!

As I scrolled the contact list in my cell phone- found hers and then before I pressed the call button- I thought for a while, is it the right time? Can I call her now? Will she be busy? And then I decide not to call and wait for her call…

Life won’t be the same for both of us. I can’t barge into her life whenever I feel like. I will have to be patient- knock on the door and then wait to be ushered in. We won’t be meeting each other whenever we feel like; perhaps if we were in the same city- things would have been better.

Life moves on and I know she will feel the same things I felt when she stands by my side on my special day:-). But nothing or no one can take your place my friend, your place in my life will always be yours- u can run out and be sure, find your way back any time u feel like- it’s always yours :-)

Say ChEEeeeeeseeeee..........................

I wonder how many of you belong to this clan of the population who think- a smile can work wonders in your life! I somehow believe in this theory and as a result I end up, smiling at almost all the faces that come across my way. Not just faces- I feel a message/mail/scrap incomplete if I don add a smiley at the end. Let the person on the other end perceive that there is a smile on my face when I text them something.

I have this doubt- does smile really hurt!!! There is this set of people, with this perpetual sour look-a look that says -“smile? Who? Me???!!!!!!”. Another set- they beam as if it hurts as they smile!!!! Well - at least I know you are capable of producing a smile… Some others think that the greatest favor they can do a person is -SMILE.

I am left confused- I greet people with a polite smile [and a wink at times:-)] and they don’t even care to respond? What is there in twisting the corners of your mouth wee a little so that you don’t offend a person who cares to greet you? It doesn’t hurt right? Many a times I have faced this situation- I grin at people whom I know and they act as if they are the busiest on earth- that they are left with no time to return a smile even! I swallow the smile that has almost escaped my lips – desperate to hide my humiliation.

Still I smile- I smile at the housekeepers at the office- and they respond, a shy one 2 being with. The security- who at times ease the pain of the thorough checking of my bag. The autowallah- who agrees on a share I suggest (not always- tough people you know!!). I keep my smile always ready – and lavish it on people who won’t call me a nut :-)

You may not always feel happy, u may not be in the best of ur moods, u may be in deep trouble- even I happen 2 face such situations. I have experienced my mood brighten with a simple grin. I look in to the mirror n jus smile at the troubled face I see there- I tell her “u look ugly wit this frown”. And then she smiles – making me feel better :-)

As the famous boy band sang
“Smile… an everlasting smile….
A smile can bring u near to me….. “

jAb tHey mEt!!!

It’s been almost 10 months since I saw the movie- Jab We Met. Didn’t expect much out of a Shahid -Kareena starrer..as I was no fan of either. We went inside the theater without much expectation, but as we came out- we were all grinning wide

As the story progressed, I began liking the pair and felt sorry for their breakup… they both shared a real good chemistry on screen. This is one movie that never lets you experience the slightest of boredom at any point. I have lost track of how many times I’ve seen the flick, yet -I don’t mind watching it for the nth time again.

When I am in the most difficult of situations, I take tips from ‘Geeth’ (played by Kareena) - who has this knack of looking at the world with a rose colored spectacles. I never believed in taking lessons from a book/ movie- they were meant for sheer entertainment. But I somehow liked the way the heroine tackled her life. She lives her life the way she wants it to be, never worried about the consequences. As she declares- “life is my favorite game”.

She meets the hero- Aditya(played by Shahid)who is emotionally bust, make him enjoy all crazy stuff she does and helps him get back to a normal or even better life. Her influence changes his life – he who wanted to run away from difficulties- gets back to the middle of all problems, and tackles them with ease. Such influence –god!!! It’s not that easy to laugh at difficult situations and take risk proclaiming “life is my favorite game”. To take decisions so that if at all anything goes wrong, it’s no one other than us –to be blamed!!!

The whole concept of looking at life from Geeth’s point of view might sound impractical at times- but it’s just amazing to be a person who never let a frown spoil her looks. And that’s what I liked in her… a persistent smile and a personification of happiness!!! Isn’t it great to be that way?? No hatred in your mind, no negative thoughts, no confusions- just bask in the state of perpetual joy; with a zest to take up troubles as light as a giggle…

But towards the second half, we see a totally different Geeth- (am not talking about the Kareena with less/no make up J ).She’s all quite- when life hits her hard, when her decisions prove her wrong- she’s all silence- contrary to the bubbly girl she was. Then comes Aditya -to inject back the lost charisma in her life. The scene where she calls up Anshuman (the guy who trampled her dreams & broke her heart) and scolds him-is mind blowing; I laughed to my heat’s content (n still I do, every time I watch the movie- I just love the way she does that). My fav scene in the movie…

We were confused when Anshuman; who is all “J” of Aditya’s presence in her life- comes back 2 her with a lousy ‘sorry’. A confused Geeth, a supportive-yet disheartened Aditya and the ‘great’ Anshuman- who is the ‘kabaab mei haddi’. At the end, the desired hearts unite – leaving audience tap their feet to the number- ‘Mauja Mauja”.

fOOtLoose!!!

Has dance got anything to do with fracture!!!! Maybe experts who would dare include a somersault or other mind blowing calisthenics in their performances might endure such mishaps. Me – an amateur; for whom dance is nothing but a form of recreation or fun; never thought a boogie would invite a fissure on my toe!!!

We were into the semifinals of “footloose” and were busy practicing. Everything was ready- tickets to Hyderabad-where the stage was set, bags-packed, all excited… In spite of many hurdles that came our way – from managing time to finding songs that would be in accord with the set of rules,costumes,props…we were all set to perform. All excited about the competition, all optimistic thoughts. It was on the 8^th of December, a day before we were to travel to hyd. Rehearsal was going on at full swing at my home. I was glad that I was doing better than before. Then it happened….my toe hit my friend’s heel with force, sufficient to cause the inevitable damage. The next moment I saw my forth toe at an angle of 45 degrees from the third. I was all numb!!!Numerous thoughts running in my mind—will this toe be like this forever? Won’t I be able to dance? How long will it take to get back to normal shape? ...god! I could see my toe-all puffy…

It did hurt a lot. I tried walking and I realized that it was a painful task. I gave up and sat down; staring at my toe-soo small yet it was screaming in pain & the cry reverberated all over my body.

My friends were in panic and they rushed me to a nearby hospital. I had a faint hope that my toe was just fine and that it would snap back to position and give me a real surprise (like what happens in J.K.Rowling’s literature ). But I was just a muggle and I had to go to a hospital. An x-ray confirmed my worst fears… it was a fracture. I won’t be able to dance. I was a picture of disappointment and there was nothing I could do about it. Call it FATE!!!

Still I went to Hyderabad with my team. We couldn’t make it to the finals. Still, we had a good time there, in STC.Oh! I just love that place…those training days, stay at dorms…missed all those people who made my stay in STC - a real treat!

I had this limp on me as a result of the fracture and it turned out that people started staring on my leg- maybe just checking if I were physically challenged. I had to answer a series of rapid fires – “what happened?’ for which my answer would be-“a mild fracture”. And then comes a -“how?” and my answer would be “while dancing”, that would leave a confused smile/frown on the questioners face. And then I will have to explain the whole saga for the nth time…

As with my limp, I got back to my normal stride … cant wait to start dancing again, this time –more careful, not to fracture a limb for a second time :)

Relations!

Relations….. they are very special. Never know their value as long as they are a part of our lives… within our reach. Once they perish, u wish u had more of it. Strange!!! One such relation I forgot to treasure & now I do with all my heart and soul is one I shared with a man who took the lives long drive two generations ahead of me-my grandfather. I don’t know why he didn’t mean so much to me then- perhaps he was too strict, to the extent that I was awarded the most “calm & quiet” student in my kindergarten days . He was strict to the extent that my cousins never wanted to spend their vacation at our place. He was full of restrictions – don’t run, you might fall n get hurt, don’t shout, don’t make noise, don’t go beyond an earshot’s distance. He takes our name once twice n then there should be no thrice- we should be in front of him. God, I was so scared of him... not just me, so were the entire family & esp the kids.

I was in my 9^th std; it was the 7^th of Jan 1999. I was back home from school & as was the custom I kissed my grandpa on his forehead. I felt an unusual chilliness about him- he was unusually cold. I asked my mom why and she said she had wiped his face with a wet clothe. Moreover he was ill and we were expecting our family doctor. As he came my grandpa kept shouting orders –“open the door, get him tea, etc and he wanted all of us to be around him. As we stood there the doc checked his pulse and & sat with his prescription pad, reluctant to write anything. Perhaps, he knew… grandpa looked around, at all of us & asked the doc- “shall I lie down?” & yes he did. He took three deep breaths & that was it. A man who was shouting orders just few minutes back was no more… it took some time for us to realize what went wrong- it was hard to digest, the fact that he just died in front of our eyes .

As the saying goes- u never know the value of a thing till it’s lost. Here, it was him. Right from my childhood, a person whose silhouette eclipsed my freedom- for anything & everything-his permission was a prerequisite. Getting admission @ school, assigning me tuition teachers, dance classes, music lessions, progress reports, scheduling my “TV-Watching” hours-everything was monitored by him. I needed no alarm as it was he who used to wake me up-“study, its exam time”. He determined when should I wake up, how should I eat, whom should I play with. Talk about playing – he never let me go to my neighbors place to play n so I happened to have all elderly friends- our dhobi, our helpers in the kitchen. If at all I did any mischief (I don remember I did any) they would call him “acho…. Dende devikkunju adukkalel….” that was it… he would take my name with all his might n I would go in front him, shuddering as I know what would come next- thrashings!!! He would spank me with a cane carefully designed out of the stem of coffee plant (I used to hate that plant for that very reason). Kitchen was no place for kids n entering that prohibited area was a serious breach of law. He would be the happiest if I would sit near him and talk all day. He just loves to talk- about his school days, his childhood, the days he went hunting in the deep forest and the animals he encountered there. I don’t think any other grandchild know about his elder brother who died; after he fell from a speeding horse. I heard from my mom that I was the only grandchild who got a chance to sleep on his bed. He never let any…

The first person at home to have a look at my text books at the beginning of every academic year would be him. My progress cards were strictly scanned by him & to his utter dismay he realized that I was weak @ math. There started his hunting for a tuition teacher for improving my math skills. He would call me every now & then n ask, “What were u doing?” to which my answer would be “studying” and then he would reply “I was just checking”. My outburst of fury would make me close the door with a loud bang & then he would call me again & come close to me, look deep into my eyes and ask- “do u know who am i. I’m your father’s father.” Anger in me evaporates and there enters peril… :)

One person who knew the art of tackling him was my sis. She knew how to escape his ferocious stares and his caning (that was exclusively for me n one of my cousin brothers).

I missed him when all good things happened in my life- my class 10 results, me becoming an engineer & me being he first of his grand daughters to have started working. I knew he would have been happy n proud.

If today I hate being late, I hate to make people wait for me, I wake up when I know I need to, I fold the newspaper back to the way it was; many similar things that might look silly- it’s all because of him. If at all I have some discipline left in me that’s because of him. I should be thanking him for all these favors. That’s how he still lives in me- as the rules that he set to make my life a lot better.

mY bEst buDdy

My new home Somehow, I managed to complete 12 years of an almost solitary school life and then my parents decides to sent me out of home and I became a prisoner in St.Josephs Convent. It was for my convenience and not to tire me with the hectic journey to my school (which was almost 15 kms from my home); that accounts for my almost “skinny” appearance according to my parents and teachers...For the first time in my life, I was surrounded by strange people. I longed for weekends so that I could get back home.. Fridays never seemed to come! And within a blink of an eyelid it would be a Monday again. How I used to hate MONDAYS!!!(as though I don’t hate them now). Slowly I got used to the hostel life. Right from waking up early morning when one of those nuns start ringing the “wake up” bell, to going to church for the mass before the sun comes out of hiding, to having to wait in a never ending queue for my turn to take bath, to having to have the dishes I hated the most for breakfast and the worst part…those study timings…when you have the strongest desire to succumb to a slumber … I was in a different world where I had to face a lot of restrictions… and in the chase to cope with all the new rules and stuff I had a new set of people in my life….my peers…Litty, Linta, Tiny, Treasa, Preethy, Niya……quite a bunch of them… The Intruder And then there came an intruder into this gang of hostel girls…To be frank I was not so happy with this girl cos she appeared a bit arrogant to me. Later when she took off her high heeled shoes ,I discovered, much to my glee that she was shorter than me…for a person who finds being the first person in the school assembly line, the most annoying thing… this was indeed a matter of joy…That was all I liked about this new face. I was not so happy having her around and the least I could do was give her a polite smile when ever she came across… This was the last person whom I can have for a friend. It was almost a week since she joined us and in spite of my pretensions I could not stop laughing at her hilarious jokes…she had a knack of imitating people (especially teachers) which we thoroughly enjoyed…The ice-berg was melting little by little…After supper we had a break for almost half an hour during which we could exercise our “talking at the top of our voice” skills. At times we can hear laughter bells chiming from the insides of the convent; even the nuns are having fun. Those precious 30 minutes brought life inside that otherwise gloomy, highly walled convent that spread across quite few acres. The merry hour took off the melancholy veil surrounding that convent. This was the time we discussed things n people at school…gossiping…teasing…what not…In those talks the main narrator would be her, it was her show… Winds of change All those chats and stuff got us closer. She was not my class mate but we became friends very soon…As friendship grew fights also became common…all stupid n silly fights that lasted for not more than a couple of minutes or at the worst few hours. She, the person whom I thought would never fit my definition of a friend was fast becoming one…the first person whom I fondly called “MY BEST BUDDY”->she knows that I am talking about her… :) Now I know it was not my fault that I had a poor affinity to friendships. I actually never gave it a try. I have retained the friendship of the girl, on whom I had a ‘not so good’ impression -till date and I am glad I did. Should I believe in the saying that “first impression is the best impression” anymore? :) Now when I look at my life surrounded by friends…so many of them who really care about me, who tutor me when I go wrong, who has very well adapted to my mood swings that before even I know tears filing my eyes-they slap me.. :) thanks to all u buddies…. ….